Recording Academy of America Members Admit Turnstile Grammy Nominations Were Desperate Ploy to Save Money on Blink-182 Tickets

LOS ANGELES – Leaked emails from high-ranking members of the Recording Academy of America suggest the three turnstile Grammy nominations were a sabotaged attempt to secure guest list spots for next year’s Blink-182 concerts.

“Can you blame us? I looked at the tickets for the second Los Angeles show and they were like $900 for nosebleed seats,” said NARAS president Harvey Mason Jr. as he shredded through a pile of records. “Some people said we should nominate Blink for their new song ‘Edging,’ but come on, nobody was falling for that. People actually ask for a turnstile, so it’s an easy choice. The music industry is somehow built on scratching each other’s backs. All we need is 75 guest list spots and I can basically guarantee them a ‘great rock show’. Hell, last year Dream Theater won ‘Best Metal Show’ because Mike Portnoy said he was going to give my nephew drum lessons.

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Other nominees for the 2023 Grammy Awards began to suspect the Academy wanted a favor in return for consideration.

“We were all surprised when it got nominated for Best Rock Song, then a couple of old men showed up at my house with towels and swimming trunks and I started putting things together,” said Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea. “He told me he was with the academy and wanted to take a quick dip in my pool. It really caught me off guard because it’s pretty cold in Los Angeles, but I said the hell yes to it. He stayed until about 2 a.m. and one of them broke a bottle and some glass got in the pool. I think so. It’s really dangerous so they better give this award to Chili Peppers or I’m sending them the bill.

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Independent watchdog groups that try to limit corruption in the entertainment industry admit they are powerless against quid pro quo deals.

“It’s been going on forever, and frankly, we’ve given up trying to stop it. The best we can do is cash in on some of the perks,” said Gloria Banks, president of the Alliance for Ethical Accountability. I’m getting three free nights at an Airbnb in Sweden owned by the manager. It’s sad that things have to be this way, but I really don’t care. I’ve got a 30-second video of Harry Styles saying ‘I Rock’. I could die happy.”

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At press time, the Recording Academy of America published a video on their YouTube channel reminding record labels that cash bribes are the best way to guarantee their artists’ wins.


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