The start of the new season of The Bachelor–two hours of being trapped in water by teaching montages and wanting to influence saying that they love a man they have never met before—it’s always a little thought. Our new student is Zach Shallcross, and the recurring line of the contestants was that he has “kind eyes.” Several of the women also refer to themselves as “the future Mrs. Shallcross,” which doesn’t come off the tongue.
“Some people are saying, ‘Why me?'” Zach admits in his speech. Good question, I asked. Host Jesse Palmer says they chose him because “he’s just a real guy who came here looking for love and love alone.” Indeed, Jan. Zach isn’t as smooth and sophisticated as most men who have filled the shoes of the Bachelor before him—the kind of man who says “freakin” –but she has a small wrinkle of interest (at least, of interest to me): She is related to David Puddy.
If you don’t remember this from Zach’s incredible run last season The BacheloretteO Jehovah, I will refresh your mind. On his homecoming day, his Uncle Pat spoke in a calm voice that made me look up from my phone and say, “Is that David Puddy?” Yes! Zach’s grandfather is Patrick Warburton, who played Elaine’s current boyfriend again. Seinfeld. This is never mentioned in the show but it lives unrepentantly in my mind. I was expecting an episode full of Uncle Pat in the beginning. Alas, he does not come.
We get a piece of advice from Sean Lowe, literally the only man in the history of the show who still has his chosen winner. I’ll admit that I suck at Sean Lowe and the empty way he smiles like a golden retriever. His season (all the way back in 2013, yikes) was a prime time to watch The Bachelor, and you’ll never forget your first one. Why is he not hosting this show now?
The producers really want to get Zach and Sean together. He is ready to settle down! He loves family! He’s a Good Boy™! Five minutes into the session, three for me-year-old got out of bed going to the bathroom and called out that he had pooped and wanted me to come and wipe his buttocks. Are you ready to sit down, Zach? Are you ready to be responsible for wiping someone’s butt?
Last line from Zach before we switch to meeting women: “Do I deserve this? I don’t know.” It’s complete. No notes.
We then meet many nurses and content developers and medical sales reps in their mid-twenties.. Zach even met five of them at After the Final Rosesomething that I didn’t remember because my mind refuses to keep words about it The Bachelor for more than three months. One of them, Briana, already has a rose (called “America’s rose”), so she is safe. One, Bailey, tried to make him remember his name by rhyming Bailey with everyday, and then called him Bailen. For the rest of the episode, my husband referred to him as Balon Greyjoy (Game Of Thrones) or Balin (The Hobbit)
There is also Christina, who has five– he is old and looks like he could be evil; rodeo girl Brooklyn; and family therapist Charity. It’s hard to come off well in an intro video unless you’ve survived a disaster or worked with children. At the doors of the limo!
The first car pulls up and all the girls scream “Zaka!” at the top of their lungs before shouting, “I’m fine. I am confident. I have power.” they joined together as if they were holding a meeting. First out is Jess, who is so cute that she looks like she could play a 15-year-old boy in a CW show. Her lack of extra hair and serious curves make me want to root for her, that’s how the producers want me to feel. “A big, beautiful smile,” Zach says heartily as he walks into the room. I know they make him do this for narrative purposes, but it’s still very pathetic.
There are some standard entries, but then we suffer through the usual gimmicks. Someone makes him drink maple syrup. One looks at his crotch and says he knows everything big in Texas. A girl brings a pig; Christina arrives on the party bus; Vanessa travels to the New Orleans suburbs. Everything is mixed together. Bailey (Balon/Balin) reminds him of that time he forgot his name, and it gets worse because they suffer through one of the worst first kisses I’ve ever seen on this show. He promises to remember her name, but how funny would it be if he yelled, “See you later, Brenda!” when he came in?
Briana is the last to arrive, and she wears a gorgeous red dress covered in flowers to match the rose she already has. Nice branding, Briana. Zach says he needs her confidence, not understanding how easy it is for a woman to show confidence when she feels safe. Once inside, Jesse gets up to ask Zach if he feels like he just met his wife. He says, “No, really, do you have any more?” Just kidding. He even says, “My gut is telling me.”…I can.”
Zach walks into the mansion to talk to his group of 30 women and begins by saying, “I’m a guy who loves family, football, and frozen pizzas.” It’s made worse by the fact that he actually repeated this speech and thought it was a winning opening line. The rest could have been cut and glued from other holes Bachelor toasts, and then a dull night of getting-to-know-you gimmicks and first kisses. Zach and Katherine bond over how they’re both “weird,” and is there anything worse than two hot people who insist they’re super weird? Christina drags him on the party bus for a game of compatibility quizzes, including the hard “ddinosaurs or dragons?” (Zach likes dragons, much to Christina’s dismay.) A woman makes him reveal his future father for real. fides by changing diapers on a baby doll, which appears to have a soul. Put that thing in M3GAN sequel.
His first impression rose to Greer, who made a wonderful speech about why he loves living in Austin, his hometown. Their kiss turns into a creative part that enhances the fun time of the night. “Who is?” someone asks trying to see who Zach is kissing. “That’s the girl!” a woman shouts.
Because this part has to follow the same beats of the beginning everywhere, someone has to fill that crazy role, and that someone is Madison. They have a normal conversation, but his eagerness to get the first impression makes him pull her back a second time and go in for a kiss that they both immediately find creepy. “I’ll let you go,” Zach says to end their conversation like I do when I’m on the phone with someone I don’t want to talk to anymore. Madison spends the rest of the night hanging around until she confronts Zach before the rose ceremony, forcing her to throw away her minutes ahead of schedule. “I can’t believe I gave my life for him!” he cries to the producers on the road. The girl.
It’s time for the rose ceremony and it’s noon the next day. The sun is high in the sky as he distributes roses. The people who go home are the ones who have not been invested in, surprise! As soon as they leave, Zach says he’s come to find his best friend, which will obviously be the mantra of the season. I hope Zach’s best friend—maybe a guy named Mike that he knows from high school-he gets mildly upset every time he comes.
- I will ask them to stop calling him “Zach the Snack.”
- In his introduction, Jesse says, “Sure, the road is paved.” Is that what they do? Is that what people do?
- Since I’m ready to make the point that the Bachelor is always forgotten, it took me about 30 seconds to remember that the last Bachelor actually was. Remember Clayton?
- “What are you doing?” someone asks Madison after a bad kiss with Zach. “It’s not enough.” No, enough is enough! Someone cut him off!
- Kimberly tries to comfort Madison by saying her makeup is on flak, a term I haven’t heard anyone use since 2015.
- Jesse tells Zach, “A lot went down tonight.” Is that so? No one exposed the boy at home. No one came with a playbook. No one even fought! It was a normal, uneventful night, Jesse!